Field Guide to Bad Religion – Part I

I don’t actually have a Part II in mind yet… but the possibilities are endless.

Does your religion frown on certain information? This is a bad sign

My experiences with organized worship have left me stone paranoid regarding the entire concept, and my preferred form of divine propitiation is a melange of paganism, channeled material, freeform idolatry and a host of other spiritual technologies with no hierarchies, no headquarters, no uniforms and no other trappings of modern corporate religion. I suppose I am just a bitter heathen but in fact I don’t absolutely despise every manifestation of organized religion and I am even willing to admit that the big clumsy bureaucracies are occasionally able to do somewhat less harm than good. But it does seem to me that the adherents of corporate spirituality too rarely exercise their god given rights as consumers in a capitalist society to quit a religion that isn’t providing as much utility and pleasure as it should. To encourage a more discriminating approach to religious choice, I here present Part 1 of the Belief Systems and Other BS Field Guide to Bad Religion.

Guideline 1: Does your religion frown on certain information? This is a bad sign. Some religions consider it a sin, for example to read the holy books of other peoples, or to share in alien rituals and ceremonies. But in the marketplace of ideas, truth must surely be at a distinct advantage, and to believe that knowledge of other paths will lure the flock away from the preferred faith can only be seen as cowardice; and though I am spleenless, partially blind, and drool when I sleep, I do know enough of the divine to state definitely that it has no truck with fear. Perhaps it is time to change your spiritual provider.

Guideline 2: Does your religion take a lot of time? Mmm. Keep in mind that whatever eternal mystery excreted humanity also created the plant and animal kingdoms, the trillions on trillions of stars and their attendant planets, whale songs and the myriad other glorious manifestations of the material world. The Goddess, in other words, is quite busy and she can’t be expected to spend several nights a week monitoring the whiny histrionics of followers who could be spending more time exploring her creation and blessing her creatures. Maybe you should get out more.

Guideline 3: Does your religion frown on pleasure? Isn’t that a little… ungrateful? After all, to suppose that humans were brought into this world with the capacity to enjoy sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll and are then to be punished for doing so is to suppose that God is an evil, fiendish trickster and to worship such a being is either perverse or masochistic. Lighten up. We know not from whence we came, or to where we go next, but while we inhabit this lovely planet, these fascinating physical vessels, to enjoy ourselves extravagantly is surely a divine imperative.

Well I could easily list a dozen such guidelines and talk for hours on each, especially at my favorite service, Koko Cocktail’s happy hour. But for now, let me leave you with a final thought: when it comes to religion, you gotta shop around.

Did you like this essay? You’ll love my books!

Tagged as: belief systems, religion, weird beliefs