Posing nude for a live drawing class is another great way to face down embarrassment… and when I tried it I got a date as well.
a gift for sarcasm is also essential
A few years ago, at a land surveyors convention banquet, I stuck up my hand and volunteered to be hypnotized on stage. I didn’t think I would actually succumb to the hypnotist’s suggestions, and in fact I was proof against her skills and ended up leaving the stage ignominiously; what I was really after was the experience of being embarrassed in front of my peers and in that I was not disappointed. Being on stage and then being asked to leave raised my heart rate, shortened my breath, and made me blush. Frankly, the sensation was exquisite, almost sexual.
At the time, I was trying to quit being a fundamentalist Christian and one of the biggest obstacles was admitting to colleagues that I had been in a really stupid religion. Owning up to my idiocy was so mortifying that I considered staying faithful simply to avoid all the awkwardness. But that would never do, so I began deliberately seeking out public ridicule in hopes that I might inoculate myself against a debilitating fear of embarrassment. And it worked pretty well, leading to the formation of what I like to call ‘Stocking’s Law’, to wit, “A willingness to be embarrassed is one prerequisite of an interesting life.”
It’s certainly not the only prerequisite—a gift for sarcasm is also essential—but it’s one that’s often overlooked. In my own case, the stupid things I do are the main subject of my writing, so that whenever I sit down to a blank page I expect to squirm a little. And I know a piece is at least potentially good if I am hesitant to release it, if I am a little afraid that this time I have gone too far. But I find, almost invariably, that the writing I anguish over the most is the writing that connects best with readers. I suppose we all do stupid things.
So excessive fear of embarrassment would keep me from doing good work, but that’s true for everyone. Good work requires willingness to fail, and failure is embarrassing.
And what about love? Most of the really awkward, demeaning, humiliating moments of my life have come at the hands of some female I’ve just expressed a particular admiration for, but I hope to Goddess I keep trying. Even friendships are fraught with potential mortification; it seems that acquiring friends and lovers requires a willingness to be rejected, and rejection sucks… but it doesn’t suck quite as much as loneliness.
When writing these radio essays, I try not to have any particular axe to grind, preferring instead to drone on about axe grinding in general. But Stocking’s Law is something I’m willing to insist on: a willingness to be embarrassed is one prerequisite of an interesting life. So if things have been a little boring for you recently, or for most of your life, why not do what I always do? Go somewhere public and do something stupid.
Did you like this essay? You’ll love my books!
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey, excellent post, Angus.
I spent most of my life doing everything possible to avoid ridicule. It was just too painful; it was a consequence I could not accept, under any circumstances.
But it totally backfired! Constantly! And it took me years and years to realize what I was doing. All I really achieved was to make embarrassment far more terrifying and excruciating than it would have been if I’d just let it happen on a regular basis. I missed on the all-important ‘embarrassment inoculation’ you discussed. Despite my fear of being such, I ended up a timid, vulnerable boy. I lived and breathed embarrassment.
I think you are totally right. To be interesting you have to be yourself, and to be yourself requires honesty, and honesty requires courage, and courage is a willingness to take some bumps and bruises.
Steve Pavlina has a great article “Are You a Failure Germaphobe?” in which he suggests, among other methods of ‘inoculation’, to sign up for a marathon with no running experience and drop out after a half mile.
Embarrassment was a major challenge until I was in my late 30s. Then through a string of events that occurred over a course of six months, I lost close to everything I had built my self-identity on — including my business, my wife, my lover, my pets, my house, and so forth. At some point, I realized I was no longer experiencing much in the way of embarrassment. Today, I guess that’s because there wasn’t much of a self left to be embarrassed about.
You’re right – you have to invite it. You have to court it. Play chicken with it. I once decided for one of my birthdays that I wanted 20 people (all best friends) to answer 10 questions about me – honestly. They were all questions that were not generous – I didn’t ask those kind. I got answers, boy did I get answers but EVERYONE added a bunch of their own positive answers too. I hadn’t expected that and what a gift that was too. But do I remember those, no, I remember the ones that have guided me ever since – the hard ones. What gifts.