The piece below is actually my first published piece, and in a weird twist of internet fate, took on a life of its own entirely independent of me, an experience I describe above.
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then, to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone, “to relax” I told myself, but I knew it wasn’t true.
Thinking became more and more important to me and finally I was thinking all the time. You know the pattern; I denied it, of course, but I wasn’t fooling anybody but myself. I thought I had my thinking under control… how wrong I was.
“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I was too far gone to stop myself. “Boss” I’d say, “why do we offer half-price coupons, when the coupon program itself costs money to run? Why don’t we just lower prices?” Or I’d say, “Hey Boss, we’ve been advertising this product as ‘new and improved’ for ten years!” Naturally he was furious.
“Skippy” he’d shout, shaking his fist, “we don’t pay you to think around here!”
But I would only listen to reason. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so that I could read Thoreau or Kafka. I’d return to the office slightly disoriented, asking, “what is it, exactly, we do here?” I tried to talk about politics, even religion. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. Golf invitations came further and further apart, then stopped. One day, the boss called me in. He said, “Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this; your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find a new job.”
This gave me a lot to think about.
Things weren’t going so well at home either. My wife had caught me staring off into space on several occasions. “What are you thinking about?” she’d snap. “Nothing,” I’d snap right back, but she knew it was a lie. I was sneaking thoughts around the house now, spending extra time in the bathroom or the garage. One evening I turned off the TV and asked her about the meaning of life. She spent the night at her mother’s.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Lambchop,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking…”
“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce.”
“But Poopsie, surely it’s not that serious.”
“It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver, “You think as much as college professors and college professors don’t make any money so if you keep on thinking we won’t have any money.”
“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I’d had enough. “I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I slammed out the door.
“Don’t take the car,” she screamed, “You’ll kill yourself.”
But it was too late.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with This American Life blaring on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors… and they didn’t open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe a higher power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground, scrabbling at the unfeeling glass and whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. “Friend,” it asked, “is heavy thinking ruining your life?” You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker’s Anonymous poster.
It was then, for the first time, I admitted the truth to myself. I had a serious thinking problem. My life was a wreck. I was almost out of a job. My wife wanted a divorce. Even my priest was giving me stiffer penance than usual, after I asked him about the Church’s role in the Spanish Inquisition. I made a solemn vow to myself that I would get the help that Thinker’s Anonymous offered.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At every meeting we watch a non-educational video: last week it was Porky’s. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. After that, the meeting breaks up and we sit around eating Cheese Whiz on crackers, chatting, and reading back issues of TV Guide. They’re a great bunch of guys. We watch a lot of football together.
Life isn’t easy for the non-thinking thinker. There are a lot of temptations to think, especially in election years. I take it one day at a time. You might have seen me around town. I’m the one with the bumper sticker that says IT’S OKAY NOT TO THINK.
I still have my job and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed… easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I like to think God has forgiven me, even if the priest hasn’t. So I’ll never think again, that’s for sure. It’s hard sometimes; just yesterday, I began to wonder what life would be like if we all stopped to think now and then… I caught myself just in time. It’s best not to get started thinking like that.
Did you like this essay? You’ll love my books!
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