In one respect, I’ve always had minor erectile issues; for some reason, my first time or two with a new lover, I don’t usually attain a full erection. And yes, that has been mortifying at times but I live with it and have learned to explain it to my lovers fairly smoothly. Since I have been serially monogamous for most of my life, and not usually a cheater, I only have to explain it once in a while. And after the short acclimation period, my erection used to be everything a young man could ask for: hard and heavy like a bar of lead, a recovery period of less than an hour, and good for several shows a night.

it was mildly insulting to my lovers

But beginning sometime in my early 40s, Dr. Manhattan’s performance began to drop off noticeably. A third erection in an evening became a thing of the past, and even a second erection became a notable event. Oh well. I’m in my 40s, right? These things happen. And in fact it wasn’t that big a deal. I was still able to make love whenever I wanted to, and staying up late enough to have intercourse a third time was not so attractive anyway. There were times when it bothered me; I have had some vigorous lovers, women who seem energized by the act, and it was a drag to not keep up with them. There were other things I could do, of course, and I was happy to do them, but… well, suffice it to say that I wrote this poem around that time:

The Penis of My Youth
If you want to know the truth,
I miss the penis of my youth.
It was longer, stronger, thicker, harder;
it never failed before my ardor—
and, I’m told it went well with vermouth.

Real Problems
Beginning sometime before my 46th birthday—that is, about a year ago—my erection issues grew (heh) into a cluster of issues that seemed (to me at least) like genuine erectile dysfunction. Put simply, my erection was often out of pace with my libido.

Also around that time, I began to consciously date more than one woman at a time, that is, I became polyamorous. That’s a subject for another post, but one relevant consequence was that I was having more sex, and more exciting sex. For example, I was in a couple of BDSM-flavored relationships, was in a few group sex situations (fun!), went to a couple of sex clubs, and several times was having what I would call ‘casual’ sex, where there was no intent to start a relationship. And frankly, there were several occasions where I was completely excited, horny, and aroused… but the Good Doctor was not ‘in’—that is, every available signal I have that tells me I’m ready for sex was going off full steam… except that my penis was either completely flaccid or somewhat soft. It was a problem, it was embarrassing, and it was mildly insulting to my lovers. Most of them were understanding about it, but that’s not exactly the kind of understanding a guy craves, you know?

So, I tried things. I lost weight and improved my overall health, because improved circulation is said to help matters. I began lifting weights again, and taking vitamin D, in an effort to increase testosterone production. Tried acupuncture. I tried masturbating less, thinking that I needed to ‘save up.’ I tried masturbating more, thinking that it might be a ‘use it or lose it’ situation. And I do this thing I read in a book once, where I squeeze my balls every day, one squeeze for each year of my life—can’t say if it’s helped or not, but it’s become a habit.

These things seemed to help—I’d get a noticeable ‘lift’ after an acupuncture treatment, for example—and I always had some erectile capacity. The Doctor was fairly reliable with some lovers, intermittent with others. But there were some pretty spectacular absences as well, or whatever one calls the absence of spectacular. There were also a lot of times when I was able to achieve intercourse, but was softer than I would have liked. There were even more times when I would get hard but have trouble sustaining the hardness—my erection would come and go. I learned to work with that (tried a cock ring, with mixed results) but it wasn’t optimum.

One ‘absence’ was instructive. I was with a couple, a couple I (and an exuberant Doctor) had slept with previously. We’re all comfortable together, we were having fun, but… no erection. And I was offered half a Viagra. And I took it, and… problem solved. A good time was had by all.

You’d think that would be enough to convince me to see an actual M.D. immediately and get Dr. Manhattan his own prescription. But in fact I held out for about nine months. I had serious reservations about using drugs to enhance erection, and wanted some questions answered. These are the questions I had, and my thoughts after using Levitra for about two months:

Would I Always Need Levitra? Here was my biggest worry: that once I started using one of the PDE5 inhibitors, I would have to use them. That is, I was worried that I would lose my intermittent but serviceable ability to have ‘natural’ erections without drugs. But my (literal) doctor explained that—here I paraphrase—the erectile dysfunction drugs act by stimulating production of the chemical that encourages blood flow, and that overall production would increase, so that I would have somewhat better erectile performance even between the times when I took a pill. This Wikipedia article makes me think that he was simplifying matters for my benefit, but in fact he was completely right about the effects I experienced. I have great erectile performance on evenings I take Levitra, and I have pretty great performance the next morning and day, when it is presumably out of my system entirely. Nor do I need to take a pill every time I want to have sex, or even every week—taking Levitra now and then seems to improve my overall erectile capacity. This was a pleasant discovery.

Would I Develop a Tolerance? I worried that Levitra use would follow the course of some recreational drugs, where an increasing amount would be required to attain the same effect. Per the above, that is not supposed to happen, and I haven’t experienced it in two months. In fact, I sometimes take less than the prescribed amount—a third of a tab instead of a half—and seem to experience the same benefits.

Would I Have Uncontrollable Erections? The cliché is that one pops a pill and, soon thereafter, a big boner pops up whether or not there is a need for a big boner. In my experience—and again, per this article—this does not happen. Instead, it’s more as if an erection is readily available when I want/need it. That is, I still have to be sexually excited to have an erection. But when I am sexually excited, an erection is right there for me. Frankly, it’s a lot like the erectile performance of my 30s; nice and hard, reasonable recovery period if I and my partner want to try again, and sustains well. However, I once took a whole Levitra (twice my usual dose) when I had intended to take a Valium and get some sleep. This did make me uncomfortably priapic and I had to take matters in hand—thank Ganesh for phone sex. So, dosage matters I guess, and I recommend finding the minimum effective dose for you. One more thing: even on nights when I and my partner have intercourse a second time, it is unusual for me to ejaculate again. It happens, but it’s rare.

Would I Be Distanced From My Lovers? This was a more subtle concern; it seemed possible that a chemically enhanced erection would make me insensitive to what was going on with my partner. That I would be so happy with my new toy (my rejuvenated boner) that I would lose sight of other factors during sex. And frankly, I’m not sure about this one. I’m not getting any complaints (quite the opposite) but there have been times when I felt like my very erect penis was setting the agenda, and that subtle signals that might have led lovemaking in another, mutually enjoyable, direction were being missed. I’m not really concerned about this and it certainly beats the alternative (not having an erection when both lovers would like one to be available) but it’s something to be aware of.

So those were my main questions and concerns. And at this point, after two months of use, I think that they have been satisfactorily addressed.

Other Matters
I chose Levitra because Cialis seemed inappropriate (I didn’t anticipate a regular need for multi-day erections) and because Viagra (which is fairly equivalent to Levitra in its effects) had bad associations for one of my lovers. In retrospect, maybe I should have gone with Viagra—it’s cheaper.

Regarding expense, I get 20mg tablets, split them, and take half a tablet on evenings I expect to be having sex. Half a tablet costs about nine bucks, so if I do the math I’m spending about $80/month for my improved erection. Worth it, but not insignificant.

I do feel a sense of shame around needing a chemical to have a good erection. Probably shouldn’t, but there it is. So, I keep a half tab with me, and take it discreetly at the appropriate time. My partners know I take Levitra, but I don’t go out of my way to let them know I’m going to pop a pill. Sometimes, in fact, I’ll let them know that a particular erection was not the result of enhancement… which seems a little weird even to me.

I have had zero side effects. No flushed face, no headaches, no nothing. And I would put up with a flushed face if I had to.

In summary, I could hardly be happier. Levitra seems like a pretty good drug. And no, I didn’t write this whole article simply to have an excuse to publish my penis poem.

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Did you like this essay? You’ll love my books!

My thoughts profound
divine do sound
when in my skull
I do expound.

But when I venture to uncover
my thoughts to others, I discover
that instead of these thoughts,
I should have others.

So back into my skull I go
to upset my mental status quo
& reassemble chunks of knowledge
for a better grasp of what I know.

& then bring forth my thoughts again;
this ebb and flow should never end.

Did you like this? You’ll love my books!

I know a bar
on Geary Street
where sins confessed
are washed away.

And I confess
that in my youth
I went there, sometimes,
every day.

For the weight
of one day’s sin
was more than I could bear,
so off I’d go
to Geary Street
to find forgiveness there.

Oh how I miss
those days of youth
when I thought I
could be washed clean.
Now my trips to Geary Street
are few and far between.

But a wicked life is slow to pass
so here I am again,
to lift a glass with you
my friends,
and be washed clean again.

And of all the places to confess
right here, my friends, is surely best.

Did you like this essay? You’ll love my books!

Thanks, I’m fine;
in fact, I’m very well—
you might be too,
in your own padded cell.

Though I think it’s heaven,
some think it hell;
it takes a special kind of person
to live in a padded cell.

You’re thinking, no doubt,
you’re not that kind of person…
but there’s only one way to tell;
consider taking
your next vacation
in a padded cell.

An Uphill Poem
Breath is prayer,
sweat is a gift.
Pray hard.

A Downhill Poem
See the trail, not the rocks.
Then, just see the trail.
Then just… see.
Then: trail.

Rather than
a simple stud or ring,
Jamie let himself
be talked into a tiny whistle
that sounded when he
held his nose and blew.
He liked the effect,
and arranged for a whistle
of different pitch
to be inserted in his
other nostril—
this allowed him
to play primitive tunes.

He attracted a mate,
a redhead who played
with metal thimbles
on her scarified thighs,
and the two of them
(as the saying goes)
made beautiful music together.

When bowling pins die, the blameless ones
—the pins that never shirked front line duty,
who never once flinched the moment before the ball struck—
are selected by the Great Pin Setter in the Sky,
according to His awful whim,
and refashioned into coke bottles,
the old-fashioned kind made of glass.

The battered old pins
are given a moment to revel
in their new, softly feminine forms,
in their delightful lightness and hollow fragility,
in their cerulean translucence…
and then they are returned to the material plane,
filled with sticky sweet fluids,
and sealed.

After weeks, or even months, of girlish longing
the day comes when they are selected for Consumption.
Instead of being bashed aside by eight pound spheres of resin,
they are lifted up and held gently, deftly circumcised,
and their sugary essence is slowly, appreciatively,
sucked out of them.

The experience, according to those who have experienced both,
is very like a kundalini awakening.